April 10, 2015. I would’ve been full term and just about ready to deliver. In fact, today was our due date.
Up until this point, I’ve been very upbeat when talking about the faith journey that my husband and I are on while
patiently anxiously waiting to get pregnant again. And while EVERYTHING that I’ve said thus far has been true, there’s a side that I haven’t delved into…until now.
The miscarriage was one of the the most devastating times of my life. However, directly afterwards I had the hopes of getting pregnant right away (as in, within the following couple months!). This clearly didn’t happen because my menstrual cycle decided to become a magician doing it’s famous disappearing act on me – not cool…at all.
Anyway, recently – amidst the declaring and believing – I’ve been dealing with feelings of sadness. It doesn’t happen often, but when it happens, it get’s real. There are times when I find myself asking…
When will I be able to experience the joy of pregnancy and motherhood.
When will I see our “little nugget” on a sonogram again.
When will I see that positive pregnancy test again.
When. When. When.
“It’s better to have loved than never to have loved at all” Do I agree with this statement? I suppose so. But reflecting on the past and hoping for the future can cause so much emotional turmoil.
During those moments, I head on over to my faith book and find peace and encouragement in the fact that it WILL happen again. I just pray that the answer to “when” is sooner than soon.
On a day that was supposed to be filled with sadness, God turned that around completely. Last night I actually dreamt that I was holding Baby Charles. The baby was about 2-3 months old and sooo adorable. The best part of the dream was holding my child. It felt SO right and it was yet another reminder of what God has promised to me and my husband. I still absolutely hope that “soon” is sooner than soon, but in the interim I have a dream to hold on to <3